I refuse to have a demure autumn
Brat summer is messy and unapologetic. It’s indulging in vices you know you should have kicked, which includes the people who make your heart race and break at dizzying speeds. To suggest this youthful chaos be replaced with an autumn characterised by demureness is madness. To do so would take such sweeping behavioural and personality changes you might make yourself mentally unwell.
I for one don’t want to be demure. To be demure is to be “reserved, modest and shy.” It is to be a woman who is holding something of herself back in order to be palatable. The word, however, has gone viral after a TikTok creator called Jools LeBron posted a video on how to look “demure and modest and respectful at the workplace.” Several similar videos later and “demure” has become the word of the moment on social media, so much so some say it should be autumn’s vibe.
Now LeBron is being ironic. But in an age of aspirational trad wives gleefully promoting ultra-traditional relationships characterised by domestic labour and total subservience to their husbands (paradoxically through effectively monetised content aimed at men who are not their husbands), it all sits uncomfortably with me.
There have been a slew of trends recently joking about women taking up traditional relationship roles and behaviours. Does anyone remember those few weird weeks where hoards of blonde women descended upon central business districts across the west “looking for a man in finance”? I assume they hoped this man would accept financial responsibility for them and they would cede certain freedoms for that safety. Times are hard and I’ve become accustomed to a certain way of life… I sort of get it. But still, it’s all a bit weird.
I know I’m guilty of doing the thing we’re not supposed to with social media trends, which is to analyse them deeply and thrust ideas on them when really they contain no depth and are simply all vibes. But the thing is, as fun and funny as I think these trends are, I hate them.
I am at most ambivalent about brat summer, it alludes proper definition. It is doing the most and the least. It’s overthinking and underthinking. It’s good marketing for an average album with a few catchy songs. Demure on the other hand has a very certain connotation and it’s one that positions women against men, historically men they want to be in a relationship with.
To go back to a time when demureness was a top quality a man in want of a wife was looking for, the 1800s, books like The Ladies' Book of Etiquette, and Manual of Politeness by Florence Hartley were all the rage. These guides offered the “well-bred” woman all sorts of tips to seem like someone who would make a good life partner. Take this glorious nugget from a chapter on how to behave at a hotel:
“Remember that a lady-like deportment is always modest and quiet. If you meet a friend at table, and converse, let it be in a tone of voice sufficiently loud for him to hear, but not loud enough to reach ears for which the remarks are not intended. A boisterous, loud voice, loud laughter, and bold deportment, at a hotel, are sure signs of vulgar breeding.”
This sounds boring and anyone who thinks otherwise is more so. I want to be loud and I want to be heard. I want the words tumbling out of my mouth to be so interesting and audible that nearby tables struggle to hold their own conversations. I want people to teeter violently on single chair legs to hear my genius better. The chances of this happening are slim, I’m not that entertaining or witty, but I don’t want to be so concerned with being small that the likelihood it would is nought.
If I have to choose between being a brat or being demure, it will be brat every day. A brat has more fun. A brat never thinks she’s too much and she’s not concerned that men think she is. She might be unhinged and need someone to take her phone away but at least she is free to be big, wild and, ultimately, herself.